I feel...

Almost always, our feelings affect what we do. It could even be said (for some) that we are what we feel ( perhaps a spin off from "cogito ergo sum"- I think, therefore I am ). Nevertheless, the essence always remains as 'primary' even when we don't realize it. In other words, what we "think" (or feel ) is not what makes the world spin. The way we perceive something can never replace what it actually is. Our thoughts merely help us visualize our surroundings. As a result of this 'visual' stimuli, we may in turn, try to modify what we see that it may live up to what we expect. This allows us to experience the notion that that the esse (to be) is subordinate to the cogito (to think).

In reality however, this only gives us a temporary sense of security. It allows us to believe that it is all in the way we think. We feel more in control of the circumstances, though in reality, we can control almost nothing. This feeling that we experience seems nothing more than a mere illusion. As such, the decisions we make should necessarily reflect more than what we feel, because what we feel is never as certain as what truly is.

Perhaps the Cross of Christ could be a perfect point to begin reflecting. When we examine the Passion and Death of our Lord, we can see a clear distinction between "feelings" and true love. I dare say at this point that Christ didn't "feel" lovey- dovey throughout the entire process. From his agony in the garden to his death on the cross, the only feelings described by the passion narratives were anguish and pain. Yet, it would be completely insane for a Christian to remember these events and not relate it with Christ's deep love for humanity. Hanging on a cross was certainly no honeymoon, and yet St. Augustine describes the cross as a "marriage bed" (On the Good of Marriage- St. Augustine). If the Cross is to bear any connections at all to love, then love has clearly got to be more than what we feel. Our feelings can be as inconsistent as the weather. At times, we may feel this deep sense of affection toward God and neighbor. We may feel " spiritually active", wanting to serve God and neighbor with all we can offer. As certain as there are times like these, we also know there are times when we feel otherwise. We feel spiritually down. In fact, there are even times when we don't feel God's love. At times as such, our souls cry out to the Lord, asking Him "why" has He "forsaken me ?" (cf Mt 27:46) . If everything entirely depended on the way we felt rather than the reality of what truly is, the Church cannot proclaim with confidence that it is the God of Love that sustains humanity (ccc 301), because we cannot "feel" this love all the time. In fact, if love is merely about the way we feel, then love becomes far less than what it is, nothing close to eternal and everlasting.

There will always be a longing in our hearts, a void left empty. We may very well identify God's Presence with the times when we least feel this void ( Like when we are happy and cheerful, or when we are spiritually "high", feeling extra close to God). But it also extremely important to remind ourselves that God continues to be present even when this void of sheer emptiness is all that fills us. Such times of spiritual dryness is merely a call to cling on to the naked faith that leads us to salvation. As we celebrate Easter, perhaps it is time to remind ourselves ( as Fr Simon Yong remarks in his sermon) that all we have before us is an empty tomb, not an Easter egg filled with chocolates. The emptiness that is characteristic of Easter, reminds us of our own emptiness. As long as we live on earth, we will always experience a sense of longing, a longing that can only be filled by the Risen Lord. At times when we feel the emptiness most, we should not expect to be comforted by happy feelings. Instead, our confidence should come from the mere certainty that faith offers us. A certainty of what is yet unseen, or rather yet unfelt. We don't need to always feel that God loves us. What we truly need is faith in His undying Love. We need to know that God truly loves us, even if we don't feel it. This knowledge, based on the faith that we receive through God's grace, is all that we need to experience true metanoia (repentance). If we were to depend on how we feel in order to repent and turn to God, repentance itself will be "hormonal" in nature, and salvation will be a result of mood swings.

The decision to Love God, should result from the objective knowledge and faithful acceptance of the fact that God loves us....Like really loves us... even when we are emotionally down, hurt or distressed. Don't wait for fun and excitement to lead you close to Him. After all, it is a cross that we are called to carry.