Knowing and me

Between the act of acquiring and transmitting knowledge lies a paradox. The more we learn the lesser we pass down. It is much easier to understand than it ever is to teach. There is also a certain tendency in the will that prevents us from deeper contemplation. In other words, our will seems to prevent us from pursuing knowledge on a matter, although the desire for knowledge is inherent in the heart.

To me, the process of contemplation involves a painful resistance against the fallen will. Once connected to the emotions, this resistance can become very emotionally driven. At a point, it would seem as if all is better than to seek the answers that we truly desire. A strong clinging to opinion and a lack of openness can also become obstacles that leave us in a state of complacency. Sometimes, we may feel inferior and start to assume that it is simply beyond our 'level'. This may lead to a certain plateau of false satisfaction, a belief that the perpetual thirst is quenched. If this is my condition, I would start to believe that what I know is enough and I can survive with this. While survival may be possible, such thought makes me evade my call, which is to be more than a mere survivor. Ocassionally, a fear of being misled can also cause resistance in acquiring knowledge. We do not want to be misled, and therefore, we stay within the premises of our limited understanding, thinking we are actually safe where we stand.

To many of us, acquiring knowledge is separated from contemplation (reflection) and introspection. Our knowledge is simply a reservoir of information that is separate from our being. Thus, what we know does not influence our actions. It is like as if I am viewing the picture of my existence as a person who sees a painting. No matter how critically I view the painting, I don't see myself in it. Therefore, I would never practice what I preach. This could sometimes lead to a form of 'self-righteousness'. I will never take my own advice because I simply don't see myself making those mistakes. In other words, I am totally unable to put myself in the shoes of others because of a false superiority that is inherent in me. In such cases, the only way I can grow is by being humble enough to see the faults of others as my own. All knowledge is useless unless it is assumed by the human person and put into works.

The motive of learning is also a point to be reflected on. Why do we want to know? Is it so that I may sound smart in front of my peers? Is it to command respect from those around me? Is it a cover for my low self-esteem? Or is it simply because I am pushed to do so? The question I often ask myself is why do I need to know? The answer that I most often desire (but sometimes struggle to stick with) is that I want to know because I love to know. In my opinion, the best motive to acquire knowledge of any sort is simply the love of knowledge itself. I want to know because I love knowing. I want to know because I was created with a capacity to know, and thus, it is only natural for me to continuously contemplate. As such, knowledge translates into wisdom. However, there are times when I struggle to keep my motives right and thus, I begin to 'know' for all the wrong reasons.

Along with knowing comes a strong urge to share what we know. To me, this is an even greater challenge as compared to knowing itself. I would love to share what I know with the ones I love. However, it is sometimes difficult to articulate the message in a way that is acceptable and welcomed. To be able to transmit knowledge in itself is an amazing gift. When doing this, one must keep in mind the motive of his action as well as the openness and maturity of the listener. When we share knowledge, the sole purpose of the sharing must be to enable the listener to understand. At times, there is the temptation of making the sharing a mere display of our intellectual ability.If such is the case, the goal is never met, and the knowledge that is to be shared would be trapped in isolation within the one who knows. Thus, humility is always a must in sharing knowledge. We must continuously remind ourselves that we are always students even when we teach, for learning is a lifelong pilgrimage. It is also important that I am open to learning even when I am teaching. Love is the main motive of sharing something we know. Otherwise, knowledge can become bitter and resentful, leading to strong opinion against it. Being gracious is thus the key for proper transmission of knowledge.

Painting love

Picture : Love hurts by Alephunky, on deviantart.com

As I was growing up, I was taught to recognise what is right apart from wrong. I was told to do the right things, but when I questioned the ones who taught me when they did what was wrong, the typical answer I received was, " You will understand better when you are older". At times, they admitted the offenses which were clearly wrong, but yet never ceased to defend their actions by rationalizing as far as they could. However, the standard advice I received from them was , "It is wrong to do this".... And yet I could never comprehend how it was justified for them to do it.

As a young adult who is confident of having a much mature mind and heart (in comparison to the child I used to be), much of the things they did (and still do) is still a puzzle to me. I must admit that the temptations to indulge in such incorrect and ignorant actions is a reality that is more eminent to adults than it is to children. I acknowledge my own imperfections and realise my own faults. It is impossible to be faultless in all our actions. Yet, the difficulty that I struggle with ( though I have come to accept to some degree) is the ignorance of such actions. It is hard to see why full grown men and women , who are wise enough to teach their kids what is right and what is wrong, refuse to acknowledge their own offenses and be open to a transformation of the heart. It hurts even more to helplessly watch the ones we love fall into wrongdoing.

I write out of my own personal frustration and anger. I do not disregard my own faults and imperfections. I am no saint. In fact, I see their failures as my own, reminding me of my shortcomings as a witness of truth. It just hurts when we watch the ones we love in pain because of their own actions. It hurts when at times, all that we can do is be an example; a counter-current that flows against a wave of ignorance. Sometimes, it feels hopeless. And almost all the time, it breathes painful anger into the heart.

Why am I angry? Is it because I can never see myself in such situations? I don't think so. I have been in situations that in some aspects are a lot worse. I have made mistakes that leave scars which never dissappear. Yet, I can't help but be angry at their actions. Could my anger be caused by a loss or lacking of the things a child would expect from his upbringing? Could it be that deep inside I have still not gotten over the fact that they could have done it better? Perhaps. But even as I write this, I am reminded of the love I was given as a retribution for the loss that I have experienced. I guess what really causes all the frustration is the inability to share this love with the ones that I deem dear.

The painful part about loving a person is to put away all selfish desires and to allow the beloved to take priority above oneself. At times, this means accepting their mistakes and quenching the thirst to voice out my frustrations. It may not mean that we overlook a wrongdoing, but it does mean that we allow time to think prior to taking action. And even when there is a need to say something, loving a person means not to voice out our own frustrations, but rather, to provide loving clarity, which would be impossible to do with a heart full of anger. It hurts to look beyond the anger and frustration. It hurts to give when we do not receive. But it hurts even more to give (even upon receiving) to one who takes without remorse.

It is difficult to love a sinner.... but such love has been shown to me. At times, my dissapointments and frustrations are like a cover or a seal on a container that is overflowing. I fail to share the love and forgiveness that I have received..... and it hurts even more when my failures themselves are forgiven.... To me, it is a continuous battle against selfishness. A journey towards selfless love. The road may be long and winding, but I have within me a picture of the final destination. I know what love looks like. My only prayer is that I may portray it for those who are yet to see...especially the ones who are dear to me. It is a challenge to paint love.

In my opinion, the truth is....

We live in a world characterized by change. From textbooks to skyscrapers, everything that surrounds us seem to be caught up in a spiral that is in continual motion, always changing. When nothing seems to consist of concrete substance, everything seems abstract, and thus the only thing that is constant is change. In a world that is constantly changing, the biggest challenge that seems to surface is the issue of trust. When certainty is a myth (as is suggested by the philosophies of a changing world), nothing outside the self seems tangible. I can only hold on to what I know to be real, and the only way I can gauge reality is by relying on what I consider to be true.Thus, I define reality via my own thoughts. In such a world, opinion is given such high esteem. Challenging my opinion would be equated to challenging my reality. Thus, we find most of our conversations ending with the phrase "We agree to disagree".





In a world where opinion is 'God' (as is suggested by a world where opinion defines reality), it is by no surprise that our understanding of God becomes subject to opinion. We choose to see God the way we wish to see Him, rather than who He really is. But who would know the nature of God? We may have the philosophies of religion and the holy books that teach us of God, but how certain could we be of their truths? After all, everything is subject to change. At one extreme, I may say " I don't really care" and on the other extreme, I may simply choose to believe whatever I want because it is my opinion and thus, my choice. Opinion seems to have the final say in all things here. The only right decision is opinion, and thus truth itself is replaced by what we think.





And where does the path of opinion lead us? In reality, it leads us to the self. If what I think defines my reality, then my opinion is of great worth.In fact, my opinion is greater that your opinion. Thus, all our thoughts and actions would then lead us to an individualistic mindset, away from a communitarian nature. This leads us to put 'self' over others. Love becomes utilitarian. Relationships become contracts. The very effects of such a mindset is so clearly portrayed in much of the relationships we have on earth. We are kind to those who can repay our kindness. We give only if there is a promise of receiving. Marriage becomes a legal agreement rather than a covenant. Spousal love becomes a price we pay for sex. And what are the results of these effects? Broken families begin when the contract expires. Divorce starts when the agreement cannot be lived up to. Prostitutes become the alternative when spousal love is too expensive to pay. As a whole, the human person becomes a living object. As we are too busy checking ourselves out, we leave our human dignity out of the dressing room.





Does this mean that opinion in itself is bad? No. Opinion in itself has the potential to be right or wrong. The dilemma lies in the quest for the right opinion. Whose opinion is right? Whose opinion can be true? To answer this, we would have to look at truth itself. The nature of truth is that it is constant and unchanging. If no human being can be constant and unchanging, why do we look for truth in the opinions of man? If there can be no truth that arises purely from man's opinion alone, opinions only have the potential to be true if they are in line with the truth. Thus, opinions are only true if they imitate the truth. In my opinion, 1+1=2. My opinion is only true because 1+1 does equal 2. If my opinion is other than this, it is not true. Therefore, the power of opinion in defining the reality of truth is subject to a certain and unchanging truth. In other words, opinion can be transformed by truth, but not otherwise. But this does not lead us to the source of truth. Where can we find truth?





To further this argument in a secular context would be to beat around the bush. A world separated from God and the knowledge of God can never understand truth. In fact, even religion would seem as an opinion. However, keeping with the statement that truth cannot be transformed by opinion, the true knowledge of God cannot be merely an opinion. A knowledge of God that is free from opinion can only be made known to us by God Himself, either through nature or via Divine revelation, or both. Discernment of truth apart from opinion arises from a sincere relationship with God. A relationship, as opposed to utilitarianism, is fuelled by love. Sincerity and openness of heart is an undeniable aspect of love. With sincerity and openness of heart, such a relationship (with God) would transform us to imitate the one we love, who is truth Himself.



Is religion itself a result of opinion? To some degree, yes. However, the birth of religion is simply an expression of mankind's desire for God. Thus, there has to be some element of truth in every religion. However, for religion to stay faithful to the truth, the intervention of the Eternal is necessary. In other words, we need God Himself to reveal that He is with us. True faith begins with the assurance that God is Imanu'el (Hebrew; 'El' means God, 'Imanu' means with us). Any opinion resulting from such assurance, once tested through time, proves to be true not because the opinion itself is true but rather, God Himself remains as He assured (with us). The question is, where can we find such assurance?


Personally, my search for truth has led me back to where I begun....The Catholic Church. You may beg to differ at this point but this is my opinion after all. The deeper we look at Scripture and the teachings of the Church, the more we will begin to recognise the undeniable element of truth, that can only be found when we clear our minds from attachments to opinion. Through God's grace, we see how the plan of God unfolds and continues to do so throughout history, through Christ and His Church. Everything has its meaning, not just historically but also in the current society. We see Christ not just as Who He Is as revealed in Scriptures, but also how he continues to transform society by the 'contra-individual' mindset which is a pre-requisite for the Kingdom of God which we are to portray by our lives. We see ourselves as being more than individuals. I am a part of a big family, where every member means the world to the other. Love seems to be perfected by sacrifice, and thus it points away from the self and towards the other. When we look at the Church's point of view with honest hearts, we would see it as being applicable though often not acceptable. We see how it may work but we also see it as being hard to swallow. To some extent, truth does hurt. Is the pain worth living? Or shall we continue to drown in the comfort of what we think?

Service beyond comfort, charity without pride

As I sit and stare at the blank space which I am about to fill with words, I pondered about the emptiness that often fills the gap between the people we used to know. At a point in time, there was no void between us but now there seems to be a great gap in mind and heart. As much as they reminded me of the humble past from which my spirit learnt to soar, they also remind me of the reason i needed to leave.

When I looked at them, I saw the masks I used to wear....but only in a different lense... I revisited the plague of low self-esteem , but only as a man visiting the prison he used to be in. I saw people of totally different mindsets, and as much as it hurts for me to admit it, I was looking at the person I once was, and still struggle to avoid.

I prayed for the strength to empathize and the courage to make a move. I know the Lord would sustain me, but my fear remains as nothing but an expression of my unwillingness to trust completely on the Lord who calls.

But it would be unfair for me, who has experienced such unlimited love, to withold the Lord from others, be it my friends, my enemies or the people whom I was always indifferent to. Such 'indifferentism' itself goes against the Love my Lord has showered upon me.

I have received, and thus I shall give. My only prayer is that my giving be founded in humility and sanctified by the Giver, from whom all things come.....

humilité

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus. That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

-Rafael Cardinal Merry Del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope St.Pius X

Patience....wherefore art thou??

Patience is a virtue that some 'bleed' to find while many give up to seek, tempted by the comfort that comes with the release of rage, that usually ends in regretful actions. In a world where ignorance is bliss and selfishness a way of life, behaviour becomes antagonistic to the ways of patience. When I am all I care about, I do not have to tolerate your ways, nor discern my reaction against your actions. If what you do does not incline to my standards, why must I restraint myself from reacting with rage? The question here goes beyond what is right or wrong. Selfishness results in a lack of empathy. Therefore, even if you are rightfully wrong in your actions, I will not look at your mistakes through the lense of empathy. I may make the same mistakes at times,and expect not to be chastised, but that will not stop me from reacting against you. Why? Because I don't really care about you.... and thus, the ode of selfishness continues.

At times, the lack of patience may become an object of justification, with phrases such as 'righteous anger' coming into play. One may even relate to Christ's 'rage' at the Temple which is mentioned in Scripture. It would be interesting however, to acknowledge the fact that Christ's actions, however violent they may seem, did not stem from motives of selfishness or lack of empathy. His actions were centred on the will of God, that "My Temple will be called a house of prayer for the people of all nations" and that turning it into a "hideout of thieves" would not only be against the will of God, but also signify an obstacle to the blessing of all nations (cf. Mark 11:15-18).In other words, Christ's thoughts stemmed from empathy toward all peoples and a zeal for the will of God. Such thoughts do not point towards the self, and thus avoids all forms of self-righteousness. Christ's actions were not a deliberate display of holiness for the sake of the self, but rather an expression of true Holiness that looks toward God and neighbour.Thus, it cannot serve as a justification for the lack of patience which stem from a selfish need to give one a piece of our mind.

However, this does not mean that clarity should be ignored. Patience is not equal to ignorance, and thus, always point out to understanding. If there is a need to make things clear, it should be. However, the purpose of clarifying, as it were, is to set minds away from ignorance, not to let go of rage. Thus, clarifying or commenting is only necessary when it is helpful, and if it could be delivered effectively, without being entangled with burning emotions....And thus, with the end of this sentence, the personal struggle for patience continue...