He gazed into the dark corners

He gazed into the dark corners of the stairway. The glimmer of light from the little holes on the wall accompanied the darkness that seemed so captivating. The silence spoke volumes of bitterness with a pinch of sweet momentary comfort. Voices tell tales of sadness, and echoes of confusion filled every room. He did not know what he was looking at. He could not be clear of the numbing emotions that he felt. All he could do was gaze at the darkness at the stairway, as it reveals the nothingness of his thoughts.

At first, he saw something. He set his eyes on the apple of his vision. It gave him an impetus. It motivated him to move. Soon, he began to feel the pressures of his surroundings. He took into account every variable that was shoved into his path. He thought of every move and counted every step. Then, he got tired. His motivation was turned to confusion. Reality gave way to emotions as a sinking ship gives way to the raging tempest. He started to see many things. He was pressured to lay two hands on a million obstacles. This led him to come face-to-face with his limitations, and the only escape from such a losing battle would be to succumb to temporary gratifications. Like painkillers, every ounce of pleasure was very much sought after. He did everything he could to try and set himself free. With ironic certainty, every effort led him back to the same prison. He could never get out. He was never free.

And yet, at a distance, lit by that glimmer of light, he sees his first love. His true goal was like a masterpiece, framed and hung on a wall. It was always on that wall. It never really moved, though it feels buried and abandoned by a pile of broken frames and cheap works of art. His true desire was always before him, but he could never gather the strength to pursue it. He felt frail and hopeless. It feels as if the counterfeit is the real thing. He was slowly forgetting the sweet taste of the truth. He looks helplessly at the painting on the wall, as he rests his head on a pile of comforting garbage. He wants what he could never get by himself, and realising this, he helplessly settles for what he does not deserve.

I looked at him as he continued to stare at the dark stairway. For a moment, I shared his sight of the crowding emptiness that was before him. I looked at his pain and made it my own. Then, i reached out and touched his shoulder. He turned and looked at me, his eyes welled up with tears of anger, sadness, dissapointment and every other feeling that described a broken soul. " This is too difficult," he said with a faint voice. "I can't do this alone... I have failed...."

I looked into his eyes and wiped off the tears that rolled down his cheek. I realised that words would never give him the dose of realism he longed for. So I walked down that stairway before him and cleared the dirt that formed stumbling blocks. I overcame every obstacle on the way. I stood for the real thing and rebuked the counterfeit. I set my eyes on making his path clear, even when it cost me my life. I died to give him the desire of his heart. I renewed that painting on the wall with my blood and beautified it with my life. Soon enough he understood me to be his true desire, his true goal, his true motivation. He saw in me the impetus to keep him going. No matter how many times he falls, he will get up again, until he rests with his hearts true desire....because I have overcome the obstacles, and I will be with him until the end...

Rantings of an exhausted soul

Emotions can sometimes be like a maze without an exit. They can be extremely confusing and entrapping that one may seem absolutely lost and confused, as if no hope is bright enough to light the path that leads to the way out. In the mess of such confusion, it is tempting to succumb to to these emotions and do the very thing that 'feels' good for the moment, even if logic tells us that it is wrong. At times we may even justify our actions by defending our emotionally led choices with rational-sounding views. Doing what seems emotionally right always grants us that mouth-watering instant gratification which seems like what our hearts long for. It is always easier to retire to our emotional demands, which often acts as an escape from seeing who we truly are. It hurts when I have to look at myself after having lived my entire life on the demands of others. When I have learnt to be dependent on what others say about me, it is much easier to resort to please others than to do what is right. As such, the only thing that would grant me a quick, masturbatory release is the comfort of doing what I feel like doing (and please those whom I expect to be affirmed by). My emotions become the truth that paints my reality.... A reality that brings me far from my true self.

The paradox of doing what is life giving is often the 'death to self' that it requires. To deny our little indulgent moments in feel good pleasure for the lasting truth is what we truly need. Thus, the true difficulty lies in the denial of the ever-promising counterfeit for the everlasting truth. The pursuit for the real thing hurts. It hurts because we have become dependent on the gratifications our 'act first, think later' attitude offers us. We have learnt to become satisfied with the unfulfilling pleasures a purely emotional life detached from truth has to offer. As such, we have learnt to live our lives in a continual descent from selfishness to selfishness. We have occupied ourselves with the pleasure of looking good in the sight of others, when truth calls us to get down and dirty. Thus, the call of truth is often ignored.

As I write this piece, I am reflecting on the drowning emotional confusions that continue to strike me along this road. A friend once told me that he often feels like a guard in an insane asylum. It is just a matter of time before the insanity gets into him. At times, I could relate to him. When we stand against the current of a strong 'insanity of self-obsessiveness', it is often tempting to let go of the anchor. After all, self-preservation seems ideal to almost all of our fallen senses. It always feels good to do what pleases the self. And yet, the entire glory of the human person lies in saying 'no' to himself. Self denial, at times when self gratification is all that seems real, brings great displeasure to the emotional senses. I wished I could just follow my feelings and take an eye for an eye. It would have been easier to hate when love seems like the most rational thing to do....And it is certainly easier to judge others when introspection is most called for. But when I persist in doing what is right, a surge of insecurities rush in. What if I am not accepted? What if people hate me? At times, it gets so confusing that the truth seems absolutely blurred. At such moments, the peace that I so deeply long for is found in God alone. Seeking Him at such times appear as a reminder for the motivation of all my actions. When I pray, I ask Him to remind me that He is the true Reason. My prayer would be that I find security in Him and strength to do what is right, with as much self-denial as it requires.

When God becomes the driving force behind all we intend to do, all our actions are filled with love and result in peace and joy. But at times, it is tempting to reject this peace and joy for an instant emotional gratification, which is driven by revenge, hatred, anger, irritation, pride, praises of men and all else apart from love. These are the times when even the most subjective of opinions can be justified by clear, objective reasoning. At times, it feels like reason becomes possessed by the emotional tempest. It makes some of our most rational decisions to be driven by irrational motivations. We think we are doing the right thing, but we are driven by all the wrong reasons. At such times, temporary escapisms seem to be the most promising options life can offer. To flee seems so much better than to hold your ground and defend love's true cause. A beautiful irony lies in all this. It is exactly at times like this that we learn to acknowledge our frail, fallen humanity. In all this pain and confusion, we learn how dependent we are on the Father who preserves us from all evil. For what is the mind that it cannot even will what is truly right for itself? The pain teaches us to constantly look upon the Word made flesh. At times like this, the picture that plays in my mind is that of Christ on the cross, a display of true self-denial.
And so, at moments like this, prayer becomes the beacon that points us to the ultimate destination.

May I be like You, O Lord.

Love's Love Letter

Dear Beloved,

I am writing to express the joy and delight I experience in you. After all these years, you need to know that my love for you still burns with its eternal flame. My heart is still open, and its love still pours out unendingly with a great desire for you. A desire that I would so willingly lay my life for. . and you are my desire.

Ever since the day I knew you, I have decided to be one with you. I have decided to fill you with myself entirely and not withold any part of me from you. My entire Being desires to be one with you. . and I would pursue you as if you were the reason for my Being, so that you would recognise your being in me. Everytime I look at you my heart swells up with love and my Spirit lights up with passion. As the desert desires the rain, so do I desire you. If only you would understand how much I love you, if only you could see the pain I go through when you turn away from me, and if only you would recognize the joy and fulfillment my love would bring you... you will seek me with all your being and love me with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength.... and I will give you life... I will give you hope... You will never be in want again, for my love will complete you.

I would abandon the heavens and be doomed in the valleys of the dead in search of you, for no glory fascinates me as much as the sight of your beauty. I would endure pain, humiliation, loneliness and abandonement for your sake. I would be beaten, spat at, cursed and ridiculed for your sake, for no pain is as great as knowing you are not with me. There is absolutely nothing I will not do to have you by my side for all eternity. If only I could make you understand how deeply I love you....I desire to share your pains and your joys. At every moment of your life, you are never alone, for I am ever with you...

If only you would decide to accept my love, no feast would compare to the banquet I have prepared for you. If only you would freely give yourself to me, I would fill you with my Being, and never again would you wake up feeling empty and unwanted. When I am truly united with you, I will fill every empty room within your soul. I will take you by the hand and hold you close to me in an eternal embrace. Every moment of your life would be ecstatic from that moment on. You will no longer experience sadness, and tears will cease to exist. Joy will be your eternal inheritance and peace will be your abode. You will dwell in me as I dwell in you, and I will satisfy your thirst for eternity. I will give you all of your hearts desires, for it is I who aroused those desires in you. I will complete you with the love that you so deeply seek and I will make you whole. You will see that I am your true desire and you are my true love.

How long will you abandon me? How long will you bask in your loneliness? Why do you enjoy hurting yourself? Do you not know that it hurts me more than it hurts you? I have made your pains my own. I have borne your sufferings and carried your guilts. I have walked in your shoes and felt all your hurts. Why will you not embrace my love and bear my life? Why do you remain in your emptiness? I have always awaited your return... come to me my beloved.. Come to me..

Come and receive what you are created for... Come and receive my love!! Come before its too late..

Your True Lover,

Love

The Love that Satisfies: A reflection on the first part of chapter 1

God is love- a mystery that sounds simple to perceive and yet difficult to grasp. In a world where the word 'love' has become an overused jargon that signifies so many things which seem far from godliness, the reality that God is love seems to be lost to human comprehension, along with humanity's true nature and self-perception . In the midst of such despair over the nature of love, and thus the nature of God, the encyclical " Deus Caritas Est (God is Love)" by Pope Benedict XVI seems to return the true perspective of love. Christopher West's reflections on this encyclical in "The Love that Satisfies: Reflections on Eros and Agape" draws great insight that would truly help Christians understand the reality of love. In this post, i will try to share some of what I have learnt from the first part of the first chapter of this book. My goal is to make the concepts of the entire teaching as simple as possible and yet try not to lose out the important points of the topic.

Ok... so here goes..

The first fundamental idea that screams out in this chapter is the true Catholic understanding of God, His relationship with humanity, and the truth about heaven. God is love. Does this mean that God really loves us? Does this mean that all his actions are motivated by love? Yes...But is that all?? The word 'is' implies that something is 'made of' something else. In other words, it exclaims that the 'true nature' of something is that other thing. For example, when we say 'she is a human being' or 'she is a women', we are not just making implications on the actions or functions of 'her'. Instead, we are talking about who she really is. In that same way, when we say God is love, we are making an implication on God's true nature rather that what he does. So, God's true nature is love. Does that even make sense? How?

The key to understanding this is to first accept the fact that love does not occur in isolation. In order for love to happen and to remain in its perfect sense, it must first be reciprocal. Love involves a lover and a beloved. A giver and a receiver. The understanding that God is love can only be truly appreciated when we are open to the idea that God is an eternal communion of persons. Within God, the three Persons of the Trinity live an "eternal exchange of love" (CCC 234). The Father loves the Son and gives himself to the Son. The Son receives the love of the Father and in turn, gives himself back to the Father. This happens in an eternal context. Thus, this everlasting love is so great that it brings forth the third Person in the Trinity, the Holy Spirit who "proceeds from the Father and the Son" (The nicene creeed). The good news is this love does not stop there. God intends for us to share in this eternal exchange of love. When we come into complete union with God, God's dream for us comes true. We begin to share in this eternal exchange of the love that 'is' God. This is heaven.

Ok. Fair enough... So now I know what it means to say 'God is love'. I also have an idea of what God wants for me (and the entire human race). I may even have a new perception of heaven, now that I see it as more than a place. But as a human being, how can I experience a taste of the love that is heaven? Is there any way that I may attain a realisation of this truth from my human experience? What can I liken this love to? The best image or symbol that portrays God's love is the spousal image of God's love. God as a spouse? What does that mean?

Before looking into this spousal image, two important points must be made clear.

Point 1: God is not 'sexual'.

Point 2: The spousal analogy of God's love remains an analogy. It is limited and can never fully encompass the the mystery of the infinite God. Having said that, it is the best analogy accessible to the human person which corresponds to this mystery.

Now here is how it goes...God wants to 'marry' us. He wants us to partake in his eternal exchange of love. God wants to 'impregnate' us with his love that we may conceive his life within us and bear it forth. Now that may sound a little too much to accept. In fact, some of us may think this is heretic. Is this analogy truly reliable? There may be other reasons as to why this analogy is reliable, but I'm going to simplify this in three points.

Point 1: The bible begins with the marriage of Adam and Eve, and ends with the marriage of Christ and the Church. The whole of salvation history is contained within these two nuptial "bookends".

Point 2: Mary perfectly fulfills "the spousal character of the human vocation to God" (CCC 505). In Mary, the Bride said yes to the eternal Bridegroom's proposal. And thus, the life-giving word became flesh. Mary conceived God's Life within her and bore him forth in flesh.

Point 3 (The most 'mind-blowing' point): God wanted to make this 'marital plan' simple. He impressed an image of it in our very being. Our Identity as male and female, and our call to become 'one flesh' is as clear as it could get. We were made in God's image. Thus, our bodies become 'theological' and the love between man and woman points out to the love of God. Eros (human, erotic love) is meant to express agape (divine, sacrificial love). I don't know about you, but each time I read that line it gives me goosebumps. The God that seems out of sight and invisible to our senses has marked us with a reminder of His intimacy with us. And it is stamped right onto our bodies. Through our bodies and our sexuality, God reveals his ultimate plan for us. Our ultimate destiny is to share in His eternal exchange of love. The fact that sexual love involves a powerful desire, communicates God's very desire for us. When this desire is united with total, selfless love, it points out to our call and destiny, the eternal exchange of love that we call Heaven.

Its no wonder why sexuality and the relationship between man and women become the prime targets of the evils in society. When the image of the sexual love is distorted, the view of God and His love for us becomes blurred as well. We lose our identity (man and women, children of God) as well as our mission ( our call to unity, our call to love). It seems like satan's got the right heads on the chopping block. Are we aware of it??

And there goes, the first part of the first chapter... I hope its simple and comprehensive.

How do I see myself?

The self image is often built by what we see and feel. Our experience of the world around us and the internalization of what others say about us become the basic materials in constructing what we believe about ourselves. It is this belief (regarding ourselves) that shapes our being and the consequential actions that follow. As such, our behaviour is often very much related to the value we afford ourselves. This value (our self image) influences almost all our actions and attitude towards relationships. Thus, an important question to ask in self-assesment is "What is my value as a person?".

The value that we give ourselves is usually dependent to a great extent, on external factors. If this is the case, our security would heavily depend on affirmation from others. As one who builds his house on sand, we would tend to build our sense of security and self-esteem on the judgements of people. We accept their judgements as gospel truths and thus, continue to cling on a false understatement of the reality of who we are. At times, we may not even realise how dependent we are on the judgements of others. Personally, a good way to gauge my level of 'clinging' would be to recognise my own defensiveness when I do not gain favour from my peers.What is our reaction when people do not agree with us? How do we feel when someone else seems to find more favour with the people around us? Do I have a constant need to be better than everyone else? How do I feel about failure? What is my attitude to the other who receives a greater reward? If my answer to questions like these go along the lines of envy, aggresiveness, anger or the likes, its about time I checked my foundation.

For some of us, our self-esteem may also depend heavily on our intellectual capacity. As such, we may have a constant urge to display our intellectualism at every chance we see. I would want to portray an image of intelligence and wisdom in all my conversations because i feel valued when people think I am smart. Disaster strikes when we realise there are times when our intelligence give way. This reality is often bitterly accepted by one who depends on his intelligence as a foundation for his self-esteem. Every attack against his intellectuality would seem to threaten his security, making him irritable and often defensive. There is then a need to break the walls of such false esteem in order to lay a new foundation.

Thus, how can I build my self-esteem? How do I identify my real worth? Personally, the only answer I can suggest is to value ourselves based on how God values us. God saw so much value in us that he was willing to become man and die for our sake (Jn 3:16). If God sees that much value in me, why should I think otherwise? I am loved the way I am. I do not have to earn this love with my skills and capacities. All I have to do is to accept this love and live it. This is the strongest foundation one can build his self-esteem on. After all, it is Christ who truly reveals us to ourselves (Gaudium et spes). Our true self image lies in how he sees us, more than how we see ourselves. I firmly believe that true peace and confidence lies in acknowledging that we are loved by God, and thus recognizing our call to love as He does.