Emotions can sometimes be like a maze without an exit. They can be extremely confusing and entrapping that one may seem absolutely lost and confused, as if no hope is bright enough to light the path that leads to the way out. In the mess of such confusion, it is tempting to succumb to to these emotions and do the very thing that 'feels' good for the moment, even if logic tells us that it is wrong. At times we may even justify our actions by defending our emotionally led choices with rational-sounding views. Doing what seems emotionally right always grants us that mouth-watering instant gratification which seems like what our hearts long for. It is always easier to retire to our emotional demands, which often acts as an escape from seeing who we truly are. It hurts when I have to look at myself after having lived my entire life on the demands of others. When I have learnt to be dependent on what others say about me, it is much easier to resort to please others than to do what is right. As such, the only thing that would grant me a quick, masturbatory release is the comfort of doing what I feel like doing (and please those whom I expect to be affirmed by). My emotions become the truth that paints my reality.... A reality that brings me far from my true self.
The paradox of doing what is life giving is often the 'death to self' that it requires. To deny our little indulgent moments in feel good pleasure for the lasting truth is what we truly need. Thus, the true difficulty lies in the denial of the ever-promising counterfeit for the everlasting truth. The pursuit for the real thing hurts. It hurts because we have become dependent on the gratifications our 'act first, think later' attitude offers us. We have learnt to become satisfied with the unfulfilling pleasures a purely emotional life detached from truth has to offer. As such, we have learnt to live our lives in a continual descent from selfishness to selfishness. We have occupied ourselves with the pleasure of looking good in the sight of others, when truth calls us to get down and dirty. Thus, the call of truth is often ignored.
As I write this piece, I am reflecting on the drowning emotional confusions that continue to strike me along this road. A friend once told me that he often feels like a guard in an insane asylum. It is just a matter of time before the insanity gets into him. At times, I could relate to him. When we stand against the current of a strong 'insanity of self-obsessiveness', it is often tempting to let go of the anchor. After all, self-preservation seems ideal to almost all of our fallen senses. It always feels good to do what pleases the self. And yet, the entire glory of the human person lies in saying 'no' to himself. Self denial, at times when self gratification is all that seems real, brings great displeasure to the emotional senses. I wished I could just follow my feelings and take an eye for an eye. It would have been easier to hate when love seems like the most rational thing to do....And it is certainly easier to judge others when introspection is most called for. But when I persist in doing what is right, a surge of insecurities rush in. What if I am not accepted? What if people hate me? At times, it gets so confusing that the truth seems absolutely blurred. At such moments, the peace that I so deeply long for is found in God alone. Seeking Him at such times appear as a reminder for the motivation of all my actions. When I pray, I ask Him to remind me that He is the true Reason. My prayer would be that I find security in Him and strength to do what is right, with as much self-denial as it requires.
When God becomes the driving force behind all we intend to do, all our actions are filled with love and result in peace and joy. But at times, it is tempting to reject this peace and joy for an instant emotional gratification, which is driven by revenge, hatred, anger, irritation, pride, praises of men and all else apart from love. These are the times when even the most subjective of opinions can be justified by clear, objective reasoning. At times, it feels like reason becomes possessed by the emotional tempest. It makes some of our most rational decisions to be driven by irrational motivations. We think we are doing the right thing, but we are driven by all the wrong reasons. At such times, temporary escapisms seem to be the most promising options life can offer. To flee seems so much better than to hold your ground and defend love's true cause. A beautiful irony lies in all this. It is exactly at times like this that we learn to acknowledge our frail, fallen humanity. In all this pain and confusion, we learn how dependent we are on the Father who preserves us from all evil. For what is the mind that it cannot even will what is truly right for itself? The pain teaches us to constantly look upon the Word made flesh. At times like this, the picture that plays in my mind is that of Christ on the cross, a display of true self-denial.
And so, at moments like this, prayer becomes the beacon that points us to the ultimate destination.
May I be like You, O Lord.
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