A portrait of Heaven

Think salvation, and the image of the cross would be the first to appear in the mind of a practicing Christian. We believe and profess that the Word was made flesh, and by dying for us on the cross, pays off the debts of our sin. God gives us salvation through Christ. This is the most basic understanding of Christianity. Christianity 101, if you would.

However simple this concept may be, it can be a difficult idea to visualize. How do I picture salvation? What does everlasting life really entail? A typical imagery of heaven would include angels with harps flying around, playing melodious tunes. Some of us would even imagine being in a beautiful place with white fluffy clouds all over. Virtues like peace, beauty, awe and every other word we would associate with 'good' would certainly fit the description of the place we would call heaven. After all, we are going to spend all eternity in this place. If anything at all, it had better be good! As a child, this was typically how I imagined heaven to be. It was satisfactory for a child's imagination. To an adult however, I must admit this notion of paradise is truly limited. For some reason, words like beauty and peace seem to be replaced by words like 'boring' in the long run. I didn't want to spend an eternity gazing at clouds, listening to angels playing harps. The whole idea seemed somehow unheavenly!! It had to be better than this... After all, I believe the Blood of Christ entitles us to so much more. But what exactly is this 'so much more'? If heaven is to be a place where every desire is ultimately satisfied, what would it possibly look like?

If we were to imagine what heaven looks like, a plausible question to ask would be "what kind of salvation does the cross of Christ offer?". When scripture tells us that God gave us "his only son" that we may have "eternal life" (cf. John 3:16), what exactly is the offer? To take a deeper look at eternal life, we must first acknowledge the fact that the 'gift' of this 'life' is not something new being offered unto humanity upon the Incarnation. Man, since the beginning of time, was created for eternal life. After all, the "tree of life" was already placed in the "middle" of the garden ever since the beginning of creation. Humanity, since its very beginnings, was destined for life. Only upon the fall did we lose our rights, as it were, to the tree that gives life (cf. Gen 2-3). But even in Genesis, the imagery of eternal life appears somewhat primitive. One has to take a deeper, Christ-centred look at the scene of Creation in order to paint the image of the eternity we are destined for with greater clarity.


The tree of life in Genesis is an interesting potrayal of the gift of eternity that we were destined for. By eating the fruit of this tree, we are expected to have life. The Fall established a separation between man (as in mankind, both man and woman) and the source of this life (cf. Gen 3:22). By His justice, God disallows man to "put out his hand to take fruit from the tree of life" and to "eat of it and live forever". However, the central claim of Christianity lies in God's abounding love, in which by becoming Man, he would breach this separation between man and life. And how exactly is this done? By the cross of course!! Christ redeems the world by offering himself up for our sins. As the New Adam, charged with a mission to put man right with God, Christ picked the right "tree" (as opposed to the first Adam) and bore the "curse" that was upon humanity (cf. Galatians 3:13). By this, Christ becomes that fruit of the tree of life. And so, a call to life would typically involve consuming the fruit of this tree, which is the "flesh" and "blood" of Christ (cf. John 6:53).

At this point, we could see how the Eucharist (Holy Communion) plays an important role, as a sacrament, a visible sign that points to the yet unseen grace of everlasting life. However, lets keep the focus on what eternal life looks like. Even since the beginning, life involved the act of "consuming" . At the Eucharist, Redemption (just like Creation) points out to the same act. Psalm 34 tells us to taste and see that the Lord is good. Christ tells us that we have no life unless we eat his flesh and drink his blood (John 6). It is indeed "outrageously" interesting to note that God's call to salvation, is not merely a call to a beautiful place. Rather, when God calls us to life, he calls us to 'consume' him. When we consume something, it is more than merely knowing, touching or feeling. The food that we consume becomes one with us. To draw upon a greater analogy, 'consume' could also be replaced with 'consummate'. At the consummation of a marriage, the bride becomes "one flesh" with the bridegroom. Again, the analogy brings us to the same concept of salvation. The call to everlasting life is a call to become "one flesh" with the Lord. I hope this helps paint a better picture of heaven.

In Christ, heaven is more than just a place. Ever since the beginning, man was created with an 'ache' for God. It is this desire for God that the Cathechism of the Catholic Church describes as being "written in the human heart" (CCC 27). This very same desire may manifest itself in various ways in our lives. In a way, we could say that this desire (for God) is the mother of all desires. Thus, it would be better to see heaven as a state rather than a place. Heaven is the state that we enter when we become one with God, and all our desires are completely consummated. We meet our rightful end, life's true goal- God is this goal. I think a quote from St. Augustine would be the best way to conclude:
"...you have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until it rests in you"
Heaven is to be one with God- the God who is Love.

Hope, faith, truth and love: A reflection

At the core of hope lies two important characteristics, namely desire and expectation. The desire for something that is yet to be obtained, and the expectation of obtaining it becomes the pillars that support hope as a virtue. Without such desire, there will be no anticipation, and thus no hope. Without an expectation of achievement, a desire would remain a dream, something far and out of reach. Expectations are supported by certainty. Without certainty, expectations become meaningless. If I desire something that I know with certainty I will not achieve,expectation is lost, and the desire remains like an unquenchable fire. Thus, hope is defined by certainty though it exists in the realm of anticipation. There is no hope when there is no certainty.



Certainty occurs in the absence of doubt. Absolute certainty equals complete absence of doubt. When the human senses alone become the gauge of certainty, absolute certainty seems absolutely impossible. When all forms of expectations are placed on the ability of humanity alone, nothing is truly certain. A brief look at the history of science points out to the uncertainty to which all human knowledge succumbs. Even some of the most profound scientific theories are not without exceptions. Thus, certainty seems to be found in continuously changing degrees, and absolute certainty becomes an idealistic extreme. When we begin to see certainty as impossible, hope becomes inexistent. However, hope is an implicit prerequisite of human existence. It is something we simply cannot do without. Hope gives meaning to our lives and thus motivates us to keep living. Survival seems to require hope, and realising this, we have learnt to build our own false certainties to sustain hope. These certainties are built on opinion rather than truth. The statement by the french philosopher Ren'e Descartes seem to summarize the state of mind in which we convince ourselves of the solution for certainty; cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. Thus, certainty changes from truth to a state of mind, and the hope that is limited by this certainty can only take us as far as our minds can. As a result, we create a whole avenue of hopelessness empowered by pain, to which death seems like the only escape. And because hope is limited to the human mind, death is the limit of hope. As such, survival on earth becomes the ultimate cause, and sacrifice falls from virtue to vice. We become individualistic, seeking to protect and guard our territories, hoping to live eternally in a perishable world. Life after death remains merely a fantasy. Heaven becomes nothing but a dream, and God becomes a figment of our imagination. The culture of such a society leads to and ultimately ends in death.



Can hope be redeemed, that it may in turn redeem life? At this point, we are left with only one path. If hope is to reach beyond human limitations and end in pastures of life, it must be based on certainties that are beyond these limitations. Certainty should be based on truth, as opposed to opinions. To find such certainty, we must have faith. Faith is the confident belief in truth which need not rest on reason alone. Nevertheless, faith is not irrational simply because it is confidence in the truth.It is truth that defines logic and not vice versa. Thus, truth need not be constrained to the limitations of human rationale, simply because it is and always will be the truth, regardless of what we think. Truth is always objective. It does not bend to the human will. But if all we see around us seem to be nothing but mere opinion, what is truth? We often find ourselves wanting to know this truth that we may believe and have faith. But how do we know truth?



In order to recognize the truth and allow it to shape the way we think, we must first replace the lense of subjectivity with an objective mindset. Grey does not exist. Things may seem complicated and difficult to comprehend, but comprehension is not always the first criteria in embracing truth. At times, we must be willing to accept that the only evidence that is really needed for truth is faith. When we adapt to the " understand first, believe later" attitude, we may once again find our journey limited to what we can understand. Even a genius would agree to not knowing many things, and yet, our current culture teaches us that nothing is beyond the reach of our minds. If everyone were to believe and embrace this mode of thinking, we are left with various degrees of conclusions, which are all nothing more than opinions limited by our respective degrees of ignorance. In fact, if the truth is only to be known by reason, only smart people would have the right to know, believe, hope and live. Thus, a great sense of objectivity is necessary if we are to have hope. We begin by putting our faith in the fact that truth leads to life. In other words, truth is almost always pro-life. It supports, encourages and nurtures life. More importantly, its life-giving nature extends beyond the limitations of the physical world, towards life everlasting.

A word that often finds itself associated with 'life' is 'love'. In the human civilization, life naturally begins at love. Unlike animals that behave according to pre-programmed behavioural patterns, human beings can arguably choose to programme their own behaviour and act according to what we call a 'will'. Such freedom of choice changes the life-giving act of sexual intercourse into one that is rooted in love. Even in a self-proclaimed modernist society, acts like rape, sexual abuse, incest and prostitution are considered unethical and unacceptable. Even in societies that hold no respect for religious matrimonial rites, people still choose to have sex with the ones they claim to have a 'relationship' with.The act of sexual intercourse seems to be unavoidably connected to emotional attachments and a deeper sense of belonging. Thus, we encounter the phrase ' I love you' prior to the act of sex. This very connection (between sex and love) points human civilisation to the roots of its very beginning, love. The fact that human families and relationships are sustained by this same love comes as no surprise. If the element of love is removed from the development of a human being, he or she becomes incomplete. This is witnessed in the social issues experienced by youths from broken homes.Thus, love sustains us. If love is the beginning and also the present, love must also be the end life. In fact, love becomes the only thing worth living for, and also the only thing worth dying for.

If hope is needed to sustain life, it must be rooted in certainty. If certainty is to lead to happiness, it must be rooted in faith of the truth. The truth is love. Thus, hope lies in love. But where do we find a love that is capable of living up to these expectations? Where do we find love that never fades? When we seek a love that is life-sustaining, we are actually looking for a love that has no weakness. Who can love us so perfectly and infinitely? The only Entity entitled to such infinite perfection is God. Christianity teaches us that God is Love. Thus, the search that begins at the very beginning ends in the perfect end. In order to experience such love, we must first seek to experience a relationship with the Perfect Lover. Through the Incarnation (God became Flesh), the loving embrace of God has been extended to its fullest to humankind. The only thing left is to receive this warm embrace with an open heart. This reception towards love begins with our relationship with God and pours out to our relationship with one another. Once received and poured out, this love will change the world.

He gazed into the dark corners

He gazed into the dark corners of the stairway. The glimmer of light from the little holes on the wall accompanied the darkness that seemed so captivating. The silence spoke volumes of bitterness with a pinch of sweet momentary comfort. Voices tell tales of sadness, and echoes of confusion filled every room. He did not know what he was looking at. He could not be clear of the numbing emotions that he felt. All he could do was gaze at the darkness at the stairway, as it reveals the nothingness of his thoughts.

At first, he saw something. He set his eyes on the apple of his vision. It gave him an impetus. It motivated him to move. Soon, he began to feel the pressures of his surroundings. He took into account every variable that was shoved into his path. He thought of every move and counted every step. Then, he got tired. His motivation was turned to confusion. Reality gave way to emotions as a sinking ship gives way to the raging tempest. He started to see many things. He was pressured to lay two hands on a million obstacles. This led him to come face-to-face with his limitations, and the only escape from such a losing battle would be to succumb to temporary gratifications. Like painkillers, every ounce of pleasure was very much sought after. He did everything he could to try and set himself free. With ironic certainty, every effort led him back to the same prison. He could never get out. He was never free.

And yet, at a distance, lit by that glimmer of light, he sees his first love. His true goal was like a masterpiece, framed and hung on a wall. It was always on that wall. It never really moved, though it feels buried and abandoned by a pile of broken frames and cheap works of art. His true desire was always before him, but he could never gather the strength to pursue it. He felt frail and hopeless. It feels as if the counterfeit is the real thing. He was slowly forgetting the sweet taste of the truth. He looks helplessly at the painting on the wall, as he rests his head on a pile of comforting garbage. He wants what he could never get by himself, and realising this, he helplessly settles for what he does not deserve.

I looked at him as he continued to stare at the dark stairway. For a moment, I shared his sight of the crowding emptiness that was before him. I looked at his pain and made it my own. Then, i reached out and touched his shoulder. He turned and looked at me, his eyes welled up with tears of anger, sadness, dissapointment and every other feeling that described a broken soul. " This is too difficult," he said with a faint voice. "I can't do this alone... I have failed...."

I looked into his eyes and wiped off the tears that rolled down his cheek. I realised that words would never give him the dose of realism he longed for. So I walked down that stairway before him and cleared the dirt that formed stumbling blocks. I overcame every obstacle on the way. I stood for the real thing and rebuked the counterfeit. I set my eyes on making his path clear, even when it cost me my life. I died to give him the desire of his heart. I renewed that painting on the wall with my blood and beautified it with my life. Soon enough he understood me to be his true desire, his true goal, his true motivation. He saw in me the impetus to keep him going. No matter how many times he falls, he will get up again, until he rests with his hearts true desire....because I have overcome the obstacles, and I will be with him until the end...

Rantings of an exhausted soul

Emotions can sometimes be like a maze without an exit. They can be extremely confusing and entrapping that one may seem absolutely lost and confused, as if no hope is bright enough to light the path that leads to the way out. In the mess of such confusion, it is tempting to succumb to to these emotions and do the very thing that 'feels' good for the moment, even if logic tells us that it is wrong. At times we may even justify our actions by defending our emotionally led choices with rational-sounding views. Doing what seems emotionally right always grants us that mouth-watering instant gratification which seems like what our hearts long for. It is always easier to retire to our emotional demands, which often acts as an escape from seeing who we truly are. It hurts when I have to look at myself after having lived my entire life on the demands of others. When I have learnt to be dependent on what others say about me, it is much easier to resort to please others than to do what is right. As such, the only thing that would grant me a quick, masturbatory release is the comfort of doing what I feel like doing (and please those whom I expect to be affirmed by). My emotions become the truth that paints my reality.... A reality that brings me far from my true self.

The paradox of doing what is life giving is often the 'death to self' that it requires. To deny our little indulgent moments in feel good pleasure for the lasting truth is what we truly need. Thus, the true difficulty lies in the denial of the ever-promising counterfeit for the everlasting truth. The pursuit for the real thing hurts. It hurts because we have become dependent on the gratifications our 'act first, think later' attitude offers us. We have learnt to become satisfied with the unfulfilling pleasures a purely emotional life detached from truth has to offer. As such, we have learnt to live our lives in a continual descent from selfishness to selfishness. We have occupied ourselves with the pleasure of looking good in the sight of others, when truth calls us to get down and dirty. Thus, the call of truth is often ignored.

As I write this piece, I am reflecting on the drowning emotional confusions that continue to strike me along this road. A friend once told me that he often feels like a guard in an insane asylum. It is just a matter of time before the insanity gets into him. At times, I could relate to him. When we stand against the current of a strong 'insanity of self-obsessiveness', it is often tempting to let go of the anchor. After all, self-preservation seems ideal to almost all of our fallen senses. It always feels good to do what pleases the self. And yet, the entire glory of the human person lies in saying 'no' to himself. Self denial, at times when self gratification is all that seems real, brings great displeasure to the emotional senses. I wished I could just follow my feelings and take an eye for an eye. It would have been easier to hate when love seems like the most rational thing to do....And it is certainly easier to judge others when introspection is most called for. But when I persist in doing what is right, a surge of insecurities rush in. What if I am not accepted? What if people hate me? At times, it gets so confusing that the truth seems absolutely blurred. At such moments, the peace that I so deeply long for is found in God alone. Seeking Him at such times appear as a reminder for the motivation of all my actions. When I pray, I ask Him to remind me that He is the true Reason. My prayer would be that I find security in Him and strength to do what is right, with as much self-denial as it requires.

When God becomes the driving force behind all we intend to do, all our actions are filled with love and result in peace and joy. But at times, it is tempting to reject this peace and joy for an instant emotional gratification, which is driven by revenge, hatred, anger, irritation, pride, praises of men and all else apart from love. These are the times when even the most subjective of opinions can be justified by clear, objective reasoning. At times, it feels like reason becomes possessed by the emotional tempest. It makes some of our most rational decisions to be driven by irrational motivations. We think we are doing the right thing, but we are driven by all the wrong reasons. At such times, temporary escapisms seem to be the most promising options life can offer. To flee seems so much better than to hold your ground and defend love's true cause. A beautiful irony lies in all this. It is exactly at times like this that we learn to acknowledge our frail, fallen humanity. In all this pain and confusion, we learn how dependent we are on the Father who preserves us from all evil. For what is the mind that it cannot even will what is truly right for itself? The pain teaches us to constantly look upon the Word made flesh. At times like this, the picture that plays in my mind is that of Christ on the cross, a display of true self-denial.
And so, at moments like this, prayer becomes the beacon that points us to the ultimate destination.

May I be like You, O Lord.

Love's Love Letter

Dear Beloved,

I am writing to express the joy and delight I experience in you. After all these years, you need to know that my love for you still burns with its eternal flame. My heart is still open, and its love still pours out unendingly with a great desire for you. A desire that I would so willingly lay my life for. . and you are my desire.

Ever since the day I knew you, I have decided to be one with you. I have decided to fill you with myself entirely and not withold any part of me from you. My entire Being desires to be one with you. . and I would pursue you as if you were the reason for my Being, so that you would recognise your being in me. Everytime I look at you my heart swells up with love and my Spirit lights up with passion. As the desert desires the rain, so do I desire you. If only you would understand how much I love you, if only you could see the pain I go through when you turn away from me, and if only you would recognize the joy and fulfillment my love would bring you... you will seek me with all your being and love me with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength.... and I will give you life... I will give you hope... You will never be in want again, for my love will complete you.

I would abandon the heavens and be doomed in the valleys of the dead in search of you, for no glory fascinates me as much as the sight of your beauty. I would endure pain, humiliation, loneliness and abandonement for your sake. I would be beaten, spat at, cursed and ridiculed for your sake, for no pain is as great as knowing you are not with me. There is absolutely nothing I will not do to have you by my side for all eternity. If only I could make you understand how deeply I love you....I desire to share your pains and your joys. At every moment of your life, you are never alone, for I am ever with you...

If only you would decide to accept my love, no feast would compare to the banquet I have prepared for you. If only you would freely give yourself to me, I would fill you with my Being, and never again would you wake up feeling empty and unwanted. When I am truly united with you, I will fill every empty room within your soul. I will take you by the hand and hold you close to me in an eternal embrace. Every moment of your life would be ecstatic from that moment on. You will no longer experience sadness, and tears will cease to exist. Joy will be your eternal inheritance and peace will be your abode. You will dwell in me as I dwell in you, and I will satisfy your thirst for eternity. I will give you all of your hearts desires, for it is I who aroused those desires in you. I will complete you with the love that you so deeply seek and I will make you whole. You will see that I am your true desire and you are my true love.

How long will you abandon me? How long will you bask in your loneliness? Why do you enjoy hurting yourself? Do you not know that it hurts me more than it hurts you? I have made your pains my own. I have borne your sufferings and carried your guilts. I have walked in your shoes and felt all your hurts. Why will you not embrace my love and bear my life? Why do you remain in your emptiness? I have always awaited your return... come to me my beloved.. Come to me..

Come and receive what you are created for... Come and receive my love!! Come before its too late..

Your True Lover,

Love

The Love that Satisfies: A reflection on the first part of chapter 1

God is love- a mystery that sounds simple to perceive and yet difficult to grasp. In a world where the word 'love' has become an overused jargon that signifies so many things which seem far from godliness, the reality that God is love seems to be lost to human comprehension, along with humanity's true nature and self-perception . In the midst of such despair over the nature of love, and thus the nature of God, the encyclical " Deus Caritas Est (God is Love)" by Pope Benedict XVI seems to return the true perspective of love. Christopher West's reflections on this encyclical in "The Love that Satisfies: Reflections on Eros and Agape" draws great insight that would truly help Christians understand the reality of love. In this post, i will try to share some of what I have learnt from the first part of the first chapter of this book. My goal is to make the concepts of the entire teaching as simple as possible and yet try not to lose out the important points of the topic.

Ok... so here goes..

The first fundamental idea that screams out in this chapter is the true Catholic understanding of God, His relationship with humanity, and the truth about heaven. God is love. Does this mean that God really loves us? Does this mean that all his actions are motivated by love? Yes...But is that all?? The word 'is' implies that something is 'made of' something else. In other words, it exclaims that the 'true nature' of something is that other thing. For example, when we say 'she is a human being' or 'she is a women', we are not just making implications on the actions or functions of 'her'. Instead, we are talking about who she really is. In that same way, when we say God is love, we are making an implication on God's true nature rather that what he does. So, God's true nature is love. Does that even make sense? How?

The key to understanding this is to first accept the fact that love does not occur in isolation. In order for love to happen and to remain in its perfect sense, it must first be reciprocal. Love involves a lover and a beloved. A giver and a receiver. The understanding that God is love can only be truly appreciated when we are open to the idea that God is an eternal communion of persons. Within God, the three Persons of the Trinity live an "eternal exchange of love" (CCC 234). The Father loves the Son and gives himself to the Son. The Son receives the love of the Father and in turn, gives himself back to the Father. This happens in an eternal context. Thus, this everlasting love is so great that it brings forth the third Person in the Trinity, the Holy Spirit who "proceeds from the Father and the Son" (The nicene creeed). The good news is this love does not stop there. God intends for us to share in this eternal exchange of love. When we come into complete union with God, God's dream for us comes true. We begin to share in this eternal exchange of the love that 'is' God. This is heaven.

Ok. Fair enough... So now I know what it means to say 'God is love'. I also have an idea of what God wants for me (and the entire human race). I may even have a new perception of heaven, now that I see it as more than a place. But as a human being, how can I experience a taste of the love that is heaven? Is there any way that I may attain a realisation of this truth from my human experience? What can I liken this love to? The best image or symbol that portrays God's love is the spousal image of God's love. God as a spouse? What does that mean?

Before looking into this spousal image, two important points must be made clear.

Point 1: God is not 'sexual'.

Point 2: The spousal analogy of God's love remains an analogy. It is limited and can never fully encompass the the mystery of the infinite God. Having said that, it is the best analogy accessible to the human person which corresponds to this mystery.

Now here is how it goes...God wants to 'marry' us. He wants us to partake in his eternal exchange of love. God wants to 'impregnate' us with his love that we may conceive his life within us and bear it forth. Now that may sound a little too much to accept. In fact, some of us may think this is heretic. Is this analogy truly reliable? There may be other reasons as to why this analogy is reliable, but I'm going to simplify this in three points.

Point 1: The bible begins with the marriage of Adam and Eve, and ends with the marriage of Christ and the Church. The whole of salvation history is contained within these two nuptial "bookends".

Point 2: Mary perfectly fulfills "the spousal character of the human vocation to God" (CCC 505). In Mary, the Bride said yes to the eternal Bridegroom's proposal. And thus, the life-giving word became flesh. Mary conceived God's Life within her and bore him forth in flesh.

Point 3 (The most 'mind-blowing' point): God wanted to make this 'marital plan' simple. He impressed an image of it in our very being. Our Identity as male and female, and our call to become 'one flesh' is as clear as it could get. We were made in God's image. Thus, our bodies become 'theological' and the love between man and woman points out to the love of God. Eros (human, erotic love) is meant to express agape (divine, sacrificial love). I don't know about you, but each time I read that line it gives me goosebumps. The God that seems out of sight and invisible to our senses has marked us with a reminder of His intimacy with us. And it is stamped right onto our bodies. Through our bodies and our sexuality, God reveals his ultimate plan for us. Our ultimate destiny is to share in His eternal exchange of love. The fact that sexual love involves a powerful desire, communicates God's very desire for us. When this desire is united with total, selfless love, it points out to our call and destiny, the eternal exchange of love that we call Heaven.

Its no wonder why sexuality and the relationship between man and women become the prime targets of the evils in society. When the image of the sexual love is distorted, the view of God and His love for us becomes blurred as well. We lose our identity (man and women, children of God) as well as our mission ( our call to unity, our call to love). It seems like satan's got the right heads on the chopping block. Are we aware of it??

And there goes, the first part of the first chapter... I hope its simple and comprehensive.

How do I see myself?

The self image is often built by what we see and feel. Our experience of the world around us and the internalization of what others say about us become the basic materials in constructing what we believe about ourselves. It is this belief (regarding ourselves) that shapes our being and the consequential actions that follow. As such, our behaviour is often very much related to the value we afford ourselves. This value (our self image) influences almost all our actions and attitude towards relationships. Thus, an important question to ask in self-assesment is "What is my value as a person?".

The value that we give ourselves is usually dependent to a great extent, on external factors. If this is the case, our security would heavily depend on affirmation from others. As one who builds his house on sand, we would tend to build our sense of security and self-esteem on the judgements of people. We accept their judgements as gospel truths and thus, continue to cling on a false understatement of the reality of who we are. At times, we may not even realise how dependent we are on the judgements of others. Personally, a good way to gauge my level of 'clinging' would be to recognise my own defensiveness when I do not gain favour from my peers.What is our reaction when people do not agree with us? How do we feel when someone else seems to find more favour with the people around us? Do I have a constant need to be better than everyone else? How do I feel about failure? What is my attitude to the other who receives a greater reward? If my answer to questions like these go along the lines of envy, aggresiveness, anger or the likes, its about time I checked my foundation.

For some of us, our self-esteem may also depend heavily on our intellectual capacity. As such, we may have a constant urge to display our intellectualism at every chance we see. I would want to portray an image of intelligence and wisdom in all my conversations because i feel valued when people think I am smart. Disaster strikes when we realise there are times when our intelligence give way. This reality is often bitterly accepted by one who depends on his intelligence as a foundation for his self-esteem. Every attack against his intellectuality would seem to threaten his security, making him irritable and often defensive. There is then a need to break the walls of such false esteem in order to lay a new foundation.

Thus, how can I build my self-esteem? How do I identify my real worth? Personally, the only answer I can suggest is to value ourselves based on how God values us. God saw so much value in us that he was willing to become man and die for our sake (Jn 3:16). If God sees that much value in me, why should I think otherwise? I am loved the way I am. I do not have to earn this love with my skills and capacities. All I have to do is to accept this love and live it. This is the strongest foundation one can build his self-esteem on. After all, it is Christ who truly reveals us to ourselves (Gaudium et spes). Our true self image lies in how he sees us, more than how we see ourselves. I firmly believe that true peace and confidence lies in acknowledging that we are loved by God, and thus recognizing our call to love as He does.

Knowing and me

Between the act of acquiring and transmitting knowledge lies a paradox. The more we learn the lesser we pass down. It is much easier to understand than it ever is to teach. There is also a certain tendency in the will that prevents us from deeper contemplation. In other words, our will seems to prevent us from pursuing knowledge on a matter, although the desire for knowledge is inherent in the heart.

To me, the process of contemplation involves a painful resistance against the fallen will. Once connected to the emotions, this resistance can become very emotionally driven. At a point, it would seem as if all is better than to seek the answers that we truly desire. A strong clinging to opinion and a lack of openness can also become obstacles that leave us in a state of complacency. Sometimes, we may feel inferior and start to assume that it is simply beyond our 'level'. This may lead to a certain plateau of false satisfaction, a belief that the perpetual thirst is quenched. If this is my condition, I would start to believe that what I know is enough and I can survive with this. While survival may be possible, such thought makes me evade my call, which is to be more than a mere survivor. Ocassionally, a fear of being misled can also cause resistance in acquiring knowledge. We do not want to be misled, and therefore, we stay within the premises of our limited understanding, thinking we are actually safe where we stand.

To many of us, acquiring knowledge is separated from contemplation (reflection) and introspection. Our knowledge is simply a reservoir of information that is separate from our being. Thus, what we know does not influence our actions. It is like as if I am viewing the picture of my existence as a person who sees a painting. No matter how critically I view the painting, I don't see myself in it. Therefore, I would never practice what I preach. This could sometimes lead to a form of 'self-righteousness'. I will never take my own advice because I simply don't see myself making those mistakes. In other words, I am totally unable to put myself in the shoes of others because of a false superiority that is inherent in me. In such cases, the only way I can grow is by being humble enough to see the faults of others as my own. All knowledge is useless unless it is assumed by the human person and put into works.

The motive of learning is also a point to be reflected on. Why do we want to know? Is it so that I may sound smart in front of my peers? Is it to command respect from those around me? Is it a cover for my low self-esteem? Or is it simply because I am pushed to do so? The question I often ask myself is why do I need to know? The answer that I most often desire (but sometimes struggle to stick with) is that I want to know because I love to know. In my opinion, the best motive to acquire knowledge of any sort is simply the love of knowledge itself. I want to know because I love knowing. I want to know because I was created with a capacity to know, and thus, it is only natural for me to continuously contemplate. As such, knowledge translates into wisdom. However, there are times when I struggle to keep my motives right and thus, I begin to 'know' for all the wrong reasons.

Along with knowing comes a strong urge to share what we know. To me, this is an even greater challenge as compared to knowing itself. I would love to share what I know with the ones I love. However, it is sometimes difficult to articulate the message in a way that is acceptable and welcomed. To be able to transmit knowledge in itself is an amazing gift. When doing this, one must keep in mind the motive of his action as well as the openness and maturity of the listener. When we share knowledge, the sole purpose of the sharing must be to enable the listener to understand. At times, there is the temptation of making the sharing a mere display of our intellectual ability.If such is the case, the goal is never met, and the knowledge that is to be shared would be trapped in isolation within the one who knows. Thus, humility is always a must in sharing knowledge. We must continuously remind ourselves that we are always students even when we teach, for learning is a lifelong pilgrimage. It is also important that I am open to learning even when I am teaching. Love is the main motive of sharing something we know. Otherwise, knowledge can become bitter and resentful, leading to strong opinion against it. Being gracious is thus the key for proper transmission of knowledge.

Painting love

Picture : Love hurts by Alephunky, on deviantart.com

As I was growing up, I was taught to recognise what is right apart from wrong. I was told to do the right things, but when I questioned the ones who taught me when they did what was wrong, the typical answer I received was, " You will understand better when you are older". At times, they admitted the offenses which were clearly wrong, but yet never ceased to defend their actions by rationalizing as far as they could. However, the standard advice I received from them was , "It is wrong to do this".... And yet I could never comprehend how it was justified for them to do it.

As a young adult who is confident of having a much mature mind and heart (in comparison to the child I used to be), much of the things they did (and still do) is still a puzzle to me. I must admit that the temptations to indulge in such incorrect and ignorant actions is a reality that is more eminent to adults than it is to children. I acknowledge my own imperfections and realise my own faults. It is impossible to be faultless in all our actions. Yet, the difficulty that I struggle with ( though I have come to accept to some degree) is the ignorance of such actions. It is hard to see why full grown men and women , who are wise enough to teach their kids what is right and what is wrong, refuse to acknowledge their own offenses and be open to a transformation of the heart. It hurts even more to helplessly watch the ones we love fall into wrongdoing.

I write out of my own personal frustration and anger. I do not disregard my own faults and imperfections. I am no saint. In fact, I see their failures as my own, reminding me of my shortcomings as a witness of truth. It just hurts when we watch the ones we love in pain because of their own actions. It hurts when at times, all that we can do is be an example; a counter-current that flows against a wave of ignorance. Sometimes, it feels hopeless. And almost all the time, it breathes painful anger into the heart.

Why am I angry? Is it because I can never see myself in such situations? I don't think so. I have been in situations that in some aspects are a lot worse. I have made mistakes that leave scars which never dissappear. Yet, I can't help but be angry at their actions. Could my anger be caused by a loss or lacking of the things a child would expect from his upbringing? Could it be that deep inside I have still not gotten over the fact that they could have done it better? Perhaps. But even as I write this, I am reminded of the love I was given as a retribution for the loss that I have experienced. I guess what really causes all the frustration is the inability to share this love with the ones that I deem dear.

The painful part about loving a person is to put away all selfish desires and to allow the beloved to take priority above oneself. At times, this means accepting their mistakes and quenching the thirst to voice out my frustrations. It may not mean that we overlook a wrongdoing, but it does mean that we allow time to think prior to taking action. And even when there is a need to say something, loving a person means not to voice out our own frustrations, but rather, to provide loving clarity, which would be impossible to do with a heart full of anger. It hurts to look beyond the anger and frustration. It hurts to give when we do not receive. But it hurts even more to give (even upon receiving) to one who takes without remorse.

It is difficult to love a sinner.... but such love has been shown to me. At times, my dissapointments and frustrations are like a cover or a seal on a container that is overflowing. I fail to share the love and forgiveness that I have received..... and it hurts even more when my failures themselves are forgiven.... To me, it is a continuous battle against selfishness. A journey towards selfless love. The road may be long and winding, but I have within me a picture of the final destination. I know what love looks like. My only prayer is that I may portray it for those who are yet to see...especially the ones who are dear to me. It is a challenge to paint love.

In my opinion, the truth is....

We live in a world characterized by change. From textbooks to skyscrapers, everything that surrounds us seem to be caught up in a spiral that is in continual motion, always changing. When nothing seems to consist of concrete substance, everything seems abstract, and thus the only thing that is constant is change. In a world that is constantly changing, the biggest challenge that seems to surface is the issue of trust. When certainty is a myth (as is suggested by the philosophies of a changing world), nothing outside the self seems tangible. I can only hold on to what I know to be real, and the only way I can gauge reality is by relying on what I consider to be true.Thus, I define reality via my own thoughts. In such a world, opinion is given such high esteem. Challenging my opinion would be equated to challenging my reality. Thus, we find most of our conversations ending with the phrase "We agree to disagree".





In a world where opinion is 'God' (as is suggested by a world where opinion defines reality), it is by no surprise that our understanding of God becomes subject to opinion. We choose to see God the way we wish to see Him, rather than who He really is. But who would know the nature of God? We may have the philosophies of religion and the holy books that teach us of God, but how certain could we be of their truths? After all, everything is subject to change. At one extreme, I may say " I don't really care" and on the other extreme, I may simply choose to believe whatever I want because it is my opinion and thus, my choice. Opinion seems to have the final say in all things here. The only right decision is opinion, and thus truth itself is replaced by what we think.





And where does the path of opinion lead us? In reality, it leads us to the self. If what I think defines my reality, then my opinion is of great worth.In fact, my opinion is greater that your opinion. Thus, all our thoughts and actions would then lead us to an individualistic mindset, away from a communitarian nature. This leads us to put 'self' over others. Love becomes utilitarian. Relationships become contracts. The very effects of such a mindset is so clearly portrayed in much of the relationships we have on earth. We are kind to those who can repay our kindness. We give only if there is a promise of receiving. Marriage becomes a legal agreement rather than a covenant. Spousal love becomes a price we pay for sex. And what are the results of these effects? Broken families begin when the contract expires. Divorce starts when the agreement cannot be lived up to. Prostitutes become the alternative when spousal love is too expensive to pay. As a whole, the human person becomes a living object. As we are too busy checking ourselves out, we leave our human dignity out of the dressing room.





Does this mean that opinion in itself is bad? No. Opinion in itself has the potential to be right or wrong. The dilemma lies in the quest for the right opinion. Whose opinion is right? Whose opinion can be true? To answer this, we would have to look at truth itself. The nature of truth is that it is constant and unchanging. If no human being can be constant and unchanging, why do we look for truth in the opinions of man? If there can be no truth that arises purely from man's opinion alone, opinions only have the potential to be true if they are in line with the truth. Thus, opinions are only true if they imitate the truth. In my opinion, 1+1=2. My opinion is only true because 1+1 does equal 2. If my opinion is other than this, it is not true. Therefore, the power of opinion in defining the reality of truth is subject to a certain and unchanging truth. In other words, opinion can be transformed by truth, but not otherwise. But this does not lead us to the source of truth. Where can we find truth?





To further this argument in a secular context would be to beat around the bush. A world separated from God and the knowledge of God can never understand truth. In fact, even religion would seem as an opinion. However, keeping with the statement that truth cannot be transformed by opinion, the true knowledge of God cannot be merely an opinion. A knowledge of God that is free from opinion can only be made known to us by God Himself, either through nature or via Divine revelation, or both. Discernment of truth apart from opinion arises from a sincere relationship with God. A relationship, as opposed to utilitarianism, is fuelled by love. Sincerity and openness of heart is an undeniable aspect of love. With sincerity and openness of heart, such a relationship (with God) would transform us to imitate the one we love, who is truth Himself.



Is religion itself a result of opinion? To some degree, yes. However, the birth of religion is simply an expression of mankind's desire for God. Thus, there has to be some element of truth in every religion. However, for religion to stay faithful to the truth, the intervention of the Eternal is necessary. In other words, we need God Himself to reveal that He is with us. True faith begins with the assurance that God is Imanu'el (Hebrew; 'El' means God, 'Imanu' means with us). Any opinion resulting from such assurance, once tested through time, proves to be true not because the opinion itself is true but rather, God Himself remains as He assured (with us). The question is, where can we find such assurance?


Personally, my search for truth has led me back to where I begun....The Catholic Church. You may beg to differ at this point but this is my opinion after all. The deeper we look at Scripture and the teachings of the Church, the more we will begin to recognise the undeniable element of truth, that can only be found when we clear our minds from attachments to opinion. Through God's grace, we see how the plan of God unfolds and continues to do so throughout history, through Christ and His Church. Everything has its meaning, not just historically but also in the current society. We see Christ not just as Who He Is as revealed in Scriptures, but also how he continues to transform society by the 'contra-individual' mindset which is a pre-requisite for the Kingdom of God which we are to portray by our lives. We see ourselves as being more than individuals. I am a part of a big family, where every member means the world to the other. Love seems to be perfected by sacrifice, and thus it points away from the self and towards the other. When we look at the Church's point of view with honest hearts, we would see it as being applicable though often not acceptable. We see how it may work but we also see it as being hard to swallow. To some extent, truth does hurt. Is the pain worth living? Or shall we continue to drown in the comfort of what we think?

Service beyond comfort, charity without pride

As I sit and stare at the blank space which I am about to fill with words, I pondered about the emptiness that often fills the gap between the people we used to know. At a point in time, there was no void between us but now there seems to be a great gap in mind and heart. As much as they reminded me of the humble past from which my spirit learnt to soar, they also remind me of the reason i needed to leave.

When I looked at them, I saw the masks I used to wear....but only in a different lense... I revisited the plague of low self-esteem , but only as a man visiting the prison he used to be in. I saw people of totally different mindsets, and as much as it hurts for me to admit it, I was looking at the person I once was, and still struggle to avoid.

I prayed for the strength to empathize and the courage to make a move. I know the Lord would sustain me, but my fear remains as nothing but an expression of my unwillingness to trust completely on the Lord who calls.

But it would be unfair for me, who has experienced such unlimited love, to withold the Lord from others, be it my friends, my enemies or the people whom I was always indifferent to. Such 'indifferentism' itself goes against the Love my Lord has showered upon me.

I have received, and thus I shall give. My only prayer is that my giving be founded in humility and sanctified by the Giver, from whom all things come.....

humilité

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus. From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus. That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

-Rafael Cardinal Merry Del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope St.Pius X

Patience....wherefore art thou??

Patience is a virtue that some 'bleed' to find while many give up to seek, tempted by the comfort that comes with the release of rage, that usually ends in regretful actions. In a world where ignorance is bliss and selfishness a way of life, behaviour becomes antagonistic to the ways of patience. When I am all I care about, I do not have to tolerate your ways, nor discern my reaction against your actions. If what you do does not incline to my standards, why must I restraint myself from reacting with rage? The question here goes beyond what is right or wrong. Selfishness results in a lack of empathy. Therefore, even if you are rightfully wrong in your actions, I will not look at your mistakes through the lense of empathy. I may make the same mistakes at times,and expect not to be chastised, but that will not stop me from reacting against you. Why? Because I don't really care about you.... and thus, the ode of selfishness continues.

At times, the lack of patience may become an object of justification, with phrases such as 'righteous anger' coming into play. One may even relate to Christ's 'rage' at the Temple which is mentioned in Scripture. It would be interesting however, to acknowledge the fact that Christ's actions, however violent they may seem, did not stem from motives of selfishness or lack of empathy. His actions were centred on the will of God, that "My Temple will be called a house of prayer for the people of all nations" and that turning it into a "hideout of thieves" would not only be against the will of God, but also signify an obstacle to the blessing of all nations (cf. Mark 11:15-18).In other words, Christ's thoughts stemmed from empathy toward all peoples and a zeal for the will of God. Such thoughts do not point towards the self, and thus avoids all forms of self-righteousness. Christ's actions were not a deliberate display of holiness for the sake of the self, but rather an expression of true Holiness that looks toward God and neighbour.Thus, it cannot serve as a justification for the lack of patience which stem from a selfish need to give one a piece of our mind.

However, this does not mean that clarity should be ignored. Patience is not equal to ignorance, and thus, always point out to understanding. If there is a need to make things clear, it should be. However, the purpose of clarifying, as it were, is to set minds away from ignorance, not to let go of rage. Thus, clarifying or commenting is only necessary when it is helpful, and if it could be delivered effectively, without being entangled with burning emotions....And thus, with the end of this sentence, the personal struggle for patience continue...

Do I really care?

In the past few days, a few events that occurred made me reflect on the importance of genuine relationships... Mainly my own relationships.... Its about three days since a very memorable moment in my life. It was my convocation ceremony. And being the honoured personality of the day, gifts and well wishes flooded me with overwhelming joy and gratefulness.. It was great to feel special, honoured and affirmed...

However, somethings on that day in particular made me see the importance of relationships....

I would express myself by first placing love at the centre of all relationships. The capacity to love, in itself, is a gift of God. It is an intrinsic ability of the human being, that enables him to relate with one another, and in doing so, ultimately relating with God. The reverse can also be true. However, it is important to acknowledge, first and foremost,that love in itself is a gift of God. And thus, relationships become, not just an action of society,but, an intrinsic part of our creation.

Secondly, scripture tells us that "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in Him" (1 Jn 4:16). Now this statement, though simple, is indeed tough to digest (At least for me it was...). In a single verse, John tells us of God's true nature and the way He relates with us.

God, in his very Self, is the totality of Love. A love which desires (eros)... and totally gives of self(agape)... And being true to Who He Is, there can only be one way in which He can relate with us... and that is through LOVE..and nobody explains this better than Pope Benedict XVI in his encyclical, "Deus Caritas Est".

Thus, God created relationships, and relationships are centred on Love. And Because God is Love, every relationship becomes sanctified, for "..he who abides in Love abides in God, and God in him"

Now, here is what striked me on my convocation day. There were many who came over to me, greeting me and literally placing gifts on my hands. Admittedly, I did enjoy all the attention, but most of my smiles were fake, and most of my "Thank You's" were merely formal expressions of gratitude, that came from the mouth more than it did from the heart. I do realise that the idea of wanting to be at the receiving end was not wrong in itself. However, the question that perplexes me was " Did I value their presence and presents, from the heart?" , to which my answer was "No". I could justify this by saying that i didn't really know all of them (especially the relatives and members of the family who only appear during special events), but that simply displays the lack of genuinity that resides within me. I never really took any trouble to get to know them...even afterwards (A struggle that I'm still working on)...

This may not be a big deal... but it does (to me) reflect the seriousness of who we are... It also questions the very basics of my life in Christ. Is Christianity confined to the walls of the church building...or does it extend to the "ends of the earth" ?? Could we be one person to God, and another to everyone else? Where is the unity of what we believe in, and who we are?

I wonder if this makes any sense... its just plain scribbles after all...= )

Persons are gifts

Its 28 minutes past midnite.. and looking back at it, from behind the cosy walls of my room, it was surely one heck of a day. Or at least, one heck of an evening. Today, I was given the pleasure of hanging out with two separate groups of people at the same time... and they say we can't be in more than one place at a time.. wat do they know???

After Mass last evening, we headed to a chinese food court at SS2. Had iced barley with one group of friends....Then rushed to Murni's (while the rest of them were enjoying their meals) to meet a second group of friends for iced Milo and lame jokes. Then rushed back to meet the first group again....It was so much fun!!!

Well, I wasn't always a people person. I never really related well with people in general... but indeed, things have changed. Life is a lot more lively now, when I realised the worth of 'persons' ... My journey with Christ has lead me to recognise and celebrate the importance of relationships.. Communion with Him = Communion with each other. Although I may be guilty of overdoing it at times ( this includes my ecstatic 'hyper'-ness and stupid lame jokes), I must state here that I truly enjoy and appreciate the presence of 'persons' in my life...Though my friends would say this is 'oversaid', you people are really nice!!! and I'm sorry if it loses its effects...but I assure you it has not lost its meaning... I love you guys...All of you = )

A tribute to Love

Love... How shall I describe you?
You are desire,
you search, you seek,
and never stop until you find.
Once its found, you never let go,
and truly I am impressed by you,
for with such longing desire,
sacrifice finds place in your passion.

Love... How shall I describe you?
You are the gift of self.
You give completely, you withold nothing,
for the one that you desire,
is also the one that you offer up your entire being,
and truly I am impressed by you,
for with such empathic self-giving,
desire is purified in you.

Love... How shall I describe you?
You are filled with mercy and understanding.
You become the one that you desire,
To unite yourself in death with her,
That she may become like you,
And unite herself with life that defines you,
and truly I am impressed by you,
for your desire is so great,
it unites seeking with giving.

Love... How shall I describe you?
Your nature is life-giving,
Your intrinsic reality is goodness,
and truly I am impressed by you,
for your power is so great,
it defines my existence.

Beauty is an expression of you,
Tenderness is the touch of your hand,
Charity is how I see you.

Oh, how painful it is when I fail to respond to your call,
It hurts when I cannot return your tender carresses,
At times I shout "stay away from me!!",
for I'm unable to return your kindness.
My heart longs for you,
but my will is too weak...

But your kindness goes beyond my limitations,
It gives me first what it requires of me,
that I have no excuse,
for you were given to me that I may give of you.

You have given me your all,
and that sums every reason to keep on striving,
Until the day I return to your arms,
And see you face to face..

- To Love Itself...